As encouraging and optimistic I like to be, I also accept and acknowledge the difficult moments I experience in my life. Everyone struggles. We all experience hardships that cause us to doubt whether we have what it takes to overcome the darkness of the moment, and it’s in those dark moments of life where we are most vulnerable.

Many times it seems you reach out only to find no one can truly understand your heartache or your struggle. I have had those moments where I reach out to friends or loved ones to share how I feel only to be told that everything is going to be okay; not to worry… time will heal the pain. You want to know what I learned about time healing your pain? Time really doesn’t heal pain… it’s us that heal over time.

Some people heal faster than others. Still, there are others who never find healing but one thing we all experience is the time between the healing…what I define as being in the trenches. We’ve all been in the trenches – where it’s dark, cold and muddy. Sometimes we have the strength to slosh through the mud on two feet – those are the good days. The days where you can get out of bed or take a shower and go out for some fresh air. Then you have the days where you don’t have the energy to even look at yourself in the mirror or get out of bed.

Have you ever experienced life like that? Whether it be from a loss of a loved one, depression, drugs, alcohol, finances spiraling out of control, marital problems or struggling at a job or in school – we have all been in the trenches of life and I want to tell you it’s okay. It’s okay to hurt and to feel alone… it’s okay to acknowledge the shame you feel because if you don’t, you will never have the ability to move past your trench. If you can’t admit your shame, disappointment, sorrow or heartache you will not be able to overcome your shadow. Do you want to overcome your trench? Do you want to be able to overcome your shadow?

Do you realize in order to move through your trench you must make a choice – make a conscious choice and stick to it no matter what. You may feel like the day is meant to give you hell. You may feel like every person you interact with is there to kick you down. You may feel like it cannot get any worse… whatever it feels like for you – always remember you are still here. You are still breathing and every day you are blessed with is one more day God gave you to fight back. You may not think your fighting… but believe me – every day that you are here is one day you overcame!

I know what it’s like have to fight. I know what it takes to slosh through my trench. I had to overcome so much in my life. From being molested as a child and being abused, being a teenage drug user, to abusing my body and alcohol, suffering a miscarriage, overcoming drugs, overcoming dangerous habits, overcoming financial struggles, overcoming the pain of my past to be here now… I could not be here if I gave up in my trench.

I would have never discovered who I was without my trenches. I would not be able to appreciate where I am if I would have given up when I found myself face down in the mud. If you are in a difficult period – if you find yourself in a trench you can’t seem to overcome, allow yourself to acknowledge your difficultly…there’s nothing wrong with admitting you feel overwhelmed. I know what it’s like to worry about providing for your family on an income that barely give you enough just to pay the bills. I know what it’s like to have to overcome a rough patch in a marriage. I know what it’s like dealing with a child that has developmental disorders. Believe me… I know how it feels to be in a trench – and I also know how it feels to overcome.

Admission is the first step to overcome the pain, shame, guilt, disappointment… whatever you are going through – if you admit it and bring it out of the shadow – you don’t have to waste so much time hiding what’s there. What’s stopping you?

Don’t be afraid of your trenches… because they are not here to hurt us – they are here to make us stronger!

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When I was 19 years old, a gentleman by the name of Craig Jensen read this scripture during a staff meeting.He became emotional as he read the scripture… as if each sentence had a deeper meaning than the previous. By the time he finished, tears ran down his face and he was barely able to speak. I remember sitting there seeing him break down but I didn’t understand why. Craig was diagnosed with stomach cancer and had undergone chemo. We all knew the physical toll it took on him – but I was too young to understand what how it affected him spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Craig was in remission for a few years before the cancer came back. Unfortunately he passed away not long after and it’s not until now do I truly understand what he was saying.

Although 15 years have gone by, I finally understand Craig. What Craig was sharing was the scriptures Matthew 5:3-10 is the process for healing and forgiveness. I know it may not seem like that for you… but let me share with you what Craig came to understand during his battle with cancer. During his bout with cancer, Craig said he found forgiveness for both him and God… and the Beatitudes helped him understand his process.

When you are in a place of hurt and sorrow – you are poor in spirit… and only when your spirit is in a broken state do you mourn.

 When we mourn from our the deep parts of ourselves, we reach for an understanding higher than ourselves – many of us reach out for God through prayer and scripture… and it’s only at this stage of hurt can we truly acknowledge our state of brokenness. I am not sure if you ever found yourself in a state of brokenness but it’s not an easy place to be. If you have ever seen a loved one go through a difficult period, its heart wrenching. Unfortunately not everyone gets over their brokenness… not everyone sees the light in their darkness, but if you are one of the fortunate ones – if you find even the smallest amount of strength to pull yourself out – all you want to do is overcome so you never have to experience your darkness again (Whether it be illness, drug/alcohol use, a bad marriage or relationship) and we become empowered to change… this is the moment we hunger and thirst for righteousness.

When we thirst and hunger after righteousness… we make a conscious decision to hold ourselves accountable for our actions – and this is where forgiveness comes in. We cannot hold ourselves consciously accountable if we are unwilling to forgive ourselves or those that have hurt us.

How do we know when we have forgiven? We know we have forgiven when we are able to understand and can be merciful for the shortcomings of others. We are able to see the person behind the problem…

What happens when we are able to see past the problem and see the person? What happens when we see a need? We want to help – because it’s the right thing to do. We find ourselves acting from the heart – in love and pure understanding.

When we open ourselves to that unconditional love and understanding, we understand the importance of not becoming a part of a problem – but rather a solution. We understand that we are to be called to compliment and built up instead of criticizing and tear down.

Not everyone will agree – not everyone will embrace us for standing up for what we believe to be true… but that’s okay. We may not be able to influence everyone around us but we will draw to us who God intends. You may be criticized, you may be scorned but only we know what God put in our hearts in our darkest hour…. And as long as you are following your heart, living your life authentically and know you have been healed and forgiven… God will open the doors up to a beautiful existence.

What a beautiful lesson God revealed to Craig. I am so grateful he was able to share it with me – even though it took me 15 years to understand.

Our lives may not be filled with mounted cameras to capture the way we move around our lives and see what we are missing, but we can capture images of ourselves the way we would like our lives to be in our minds. Ever since, I keep hearing what that gentleman said and I find myself repeating every now and then “If I can see ‘it’, ‘it’ can see you.” What are your ‘its’ in life? What is it that you want for yourself that you haven’t yet obtained?

I want to encourage you to revisit your goals regularly and ask where are you now to achieving them? Where do you see your life now compared to a year ago… a month ago… or a few months ago? It’s important to consistently check-in because if we don’t, we loose sight of where we want to be. I spent too much time not knowing what I wanted or where I wanted to go in life because of my inability to foresee my future.

Allow yourself to experiment with different methods for manifesting your thoughts into reality. You wanna know what I do? I actually do a few different things. One of my methods is a”Think Board.” On there I placed pictures, words, thoughts and symbols of what I want to manifest. Some of the things I have on there are pictures traveling, a new place to live, a picture that shows me saving money, a picture that reminds me to stay calm under stressful circumstances, etc. I have written things like “Yes I can!”, “Blessings”, “Achievement”, “Love”, “Forgiveness”, “Thank You Lord!”.

The title I have on my board is ‘Think on Positive These Things’. Of course I have many other things on my board, but I try to take time every day to look at all that is there and I pray upon those things and see myself achieving my goals. I also write down what I want in a journal and when I accomplish what I desire, I check it off and write about my experience. I do admit, I only started doing it this year but I have already felt the effects of making sure I place what is important in front of me every day to remind me to keep moving forward and keep working hard no matter what.

I want to encourage you not to give up or feel discouraged if you are unsure what you want. You may not know where you want your life to be and that’s okay. My advice is to start somewhere first and let your life come to you. Understand your life priorities change as you move through life – but when you allow yourself the freedom of asking yourself what you want, everything will start to unfold the way God intended, even if you’re unsure what those things are. Remember, if you can see your future… your future can see you!

I feel the need to speak on this topic only because managing difficult relationships play a major part in striving for a peaceful existence. It isn’t easy moving through life or hurdling personal obstacles when we also have to work around relationships that may not be ideal. I am not here to point fingers or expose relationships that are challenging to me, I want to mention it because sometimes acknowledging is half the battle.

Here are some things I have learned:

• It takes two people to either agree or disagree.
• There are usually more than two points of view in every situation.
• Arguing over who is right or wrong rarely fixes anything.
• Sometimes we have to accept not all relationships will mend.
• We cannot change how another person feels about us.
• Worrying about these difficult relationships robs you of your self-worth.
• We cannot allow difficult relationships dictate our happiness.
• We can either choose to be the victim of a difficult relationship or choose to be responsible for our part.

One of the biggest things I have learned; As much as we would like to believe we are not to blame… that is untrue. We are all responsible (no matter how big or small) when there is a disagreement. If you are someone who always questions why you seem to be a magnet for difficult relationships – the best place to start looking is within.

What I have discovered about myself is I had difficult time forgiving. My refusal to completely forgive caused me to act out negatively towards certain people. When you hold on to a grudge long enough – you start to associate your grudge (or your resentment) towards that person. The longer you hold on to your grudge, the deeper your resentment grows. It’s a pretty sad process to go through because we allow our emotions distort the truth and lose out on our own happiness.

Another thing I struggled with was learning how defensive I was. I was so defensive (and can still be) about everything. If you have challenging relationships, notice how defensive you are in those relationships. If you are wondering if you are defensive or not… ask yourself this: Do you constantly criticize and judge? Do you find it difficult to compliment? How about being supportive?

If mending your difficult relationship is important to you, you must start with yourself. We can only fix what we are responsible for but we cannot fix what we did not do. I have spent a lot of my time apologizing to people. I am not perfect… and I have made a lot of mistakes. If they choose not to forgive me, I have to move on. I don’t mind being told I hurt someone or said something offensive… but I have also learned I can neither allow anyone to constantly blame me for everything wrong in their lives.

If there is an offense made by someone, let the other person know. Most of the time people don’t realize they offend us. I have learned not everyone is malicious – sometimes we are just overly sensitive because we have experienced the same offense from someone else – but we cannot assume everyone knows where our hurts lie.

If we express we are offended and the person continues to make the same offense… then we need to make the decision to either distance ourselves or cut ties all together. Do not feel the need to constantly place yourself in an unhealthy relationship because we think it’s the right thing to do. It’s never right when someone continually disrespect you. Like I have said many times, you are worth more than that!

We may have to put up with certain people, but we don’t have to view them as being difficult. I believe we can either choose to make our circumstances as easy or difficult as we allow. If you choose to seek out and stay in difficult relationships, then it’s your choice… but know it does not have to be that way. When we make a conscious decision, our relationships become less difficult.  When we consciously choose to change – the universe agrees and the more we open ourselves up to positivity, we also turn the tide in our lives and allow God to bless us with healthier relationships by creating distance from those who do not compliment us.

Ask yourself what is keeping the tide of difficulty in your relationships…only don’t be surprised if you find it from within.

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Four years ago, my life was in a completely different place. It was a trying time for my husband and I. We had gotten the news that our 3-year-old son was autistic with ADHD, our financial situation had us literally living paycheck to paycheck. My husband and I only had one car when we needed two. Although we needed medical insurance, we had none because we could not afford it… and I don’t remember ever getting one decent night of sleep. I know my husband would agree with me; it was the most stressful time in our life.

We were barely scrapping by… no matter how often we tried to change our situation – nothing seemed to work. Both of us tried to change jobs; both of us tried to encourage one another to no avail; as much as we wanted to blame each other, we knew our situation wasn’t for lack of effort. My husband and I tried as hard as we could and nothing was giving. Day and night, I obsessed over how bad it was… and don’t even get me started with the guilt I felt over everything.

During an orientation we attended regarding new services our son qualified for, one of the counselors told us hopefully one day our son will be able to get a job working as a janitor or some job that would allow him to make a small amount of money on his own. I remember my husband and I looked at each other and instantaneously glared back at the man who made the comment. I knew it wasn’t the counselor’s intention to offend us – his intention was to prepare us for the possibility our son might not have the ability to live an independent life. Regardless of his intention…it didn’t sit well with me. How dare this man try to tell me how my son will turn out to be. The whole day I heard that man’s voice in my head and knew somehow, some way things had to get better. It was not that counselor’s job to tell us what we could and could not expect in regards to my son or my family.

A few weeks later, I came across the scripture Philippians 4:8 in the bible and it brought me to tears. Yes, my situation was bad… and stressful but I never realized it could be much worse. Instead of wanting to desperately leave my life – it dawned on me I had to accept it before making any kind of changes. I had to see my life and acknowledge even though it was bad, even though it was difficult – it wasn’t as bad as it could be. I may not have health insurance, a full-time job, a good night’s sleep… a second car but I have other things. I had a husband who was still there. I had a little boy who didn’t talk… but was healthy, happy, secure and loved. I may not have health insurance – but thank God I had never gotten sick. So what we only had one car – my husband and I never had to miss work because of it. We may not have our own house… but at least we have an apartment. At least our family is together. Yes, I wished our financial situation was better and even though our budget was tight – we never had to borrow money to make ends meet or had to stand in any line to receive food donations. Somehow, we manged to provide for ourselves with the little we had.

There I was sitting with my bible… the victim of the sad, depressing story that was all in my head and I took it to be the end all and be all of my life. The choice was mine… either think on the positives or accept the negatives. What do you think I did? As difficult as it was to not complain or feel sorry for myself, I made myself believe things were going to get better. I wasn’t sure how… but I knew I had to do something different in order for change to come. I may be the parent of an autistic child but he was given to me and I knew I would never love him any less. I knew if I wanted to make a difference, I needed empower myself to think positive… and believe that somehow it was going to get better!

Within a year, our finances got better… and we bought a second car. My husband got a new job and was able to get health insurance for all of us… and we were able to afford it. My son…, who did not speak, started talking. He was given the most intensive speech therapy given to a child in the school district – and with his hard work and determination, he achieved in two months what they hoped he would achieve after six months of therapy. Did we have difficult times… yes, especially when it came to potty training but every time my son took a couple steps back, I was reminded of how far he had come. He went into kindergarten without knowing how to hold a pencil… and today he’s in a regular 1st grade class with no special classes (with the exception of speech therapy). He reads, writes and has earned math achievement awards.  Not only will he always be high functioning autistic with ADHD, but he will always be my hero. If he can make so much progress with the challenges he faces everyday – what excuses do I have? How different would this story be if I would have allowed myself focus on the negatives?

It’s difficult not to get emotional writing this but I want you to know I am not stranger to tough times. I’ve been there and I am someone who knows it can get better… it will get better if you believe with your whole heart. During the dark moments, it’s okay to feel the desperation. Don’t think acknowledging it means you accept it – acknowledge it because you want to change it. Positive change will happen if you truly believe it but in the meantime, think about it. Think about the possibilities of living a better life and pave a positive path into your future. It may not happen over night… it took us a year to finally turn our corner – but I was determined to make the choice to think on the “positive” things and it was one of the best decisions I ever made for my family and I.

]]> http://leslieannvarela.wordpress.com/2012/04/03/think-on-these-positive-things/feed/ 0 leslieannvarela despair Broken-Chains believe http://leslieannvarela.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/forgiveness-truly-letting-go/ http://leslieannvarela.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/forgiveness-truly-letting-go/#comments Thu, 29 Mar 2012 05:07:09 +0000 Leslie Ann Varela http://leslieannvarela.wordpress.com/?p=741 Continue reading »]]> We hear the word forgiveness all the time. We are asked to forgive those who do us wrong. We are asked to forgive the shortcomings of others because it’s the “right” thing to do. I’m all for forgiving… especially when I am the one asking to be forgiven but I have learned there is more to forgiveness than simply turning the other cheek.

Not only do I believe we should forgive others because it’s the right thing to do… but to forgive others so we can forgive ourselves. Our level of forgiveness indicates our ability to forgive ourselves.

I am beginning to understand our life … our experiences are created from our perceptions. We interpret the world how we perceive it. I came across a quote recently that said, “We are not victims in a hostile or chaotic universe. It is our thoughts that create our experiences. It is the subconscious mind that is the engineer in that regard, driving our destiny towards success or failure.” – Walter E. Jacobson

The lesson I took from the above quote was this (in regards to forgiveness): The healthier our perceptions, the healthier outlook we have on life. The healthier outlook on life determines our aptitude to forgive. If we do not have a positive, optimistic perception of life then how can we be expected to have the ability to truly forgive? Forgiveness is an unconditional form of love and acceptance.

When we have an unhealthy perception, forgiveness can be interpreted as being weak and is sometimes used as a form of “punishment” towards the other person. Have you ever asked yourself why you find it difficult to forgive? Have you asked yourself why? Why do you put people through a complicated series of emotional ‘punishments’ before forgiving them? Do you even realize if you have difficulty forgiving others indicates you have difficulty forgiving yourself? We are demonstrating that we do not unconditionally love and accept ourselves.

I say this because I had to come to this understanding myself. I had to admit I held on to bitterness and resentment towards others because of how I felt about myself. Being bitter, angry and resentful towards someone… what does it achieve? What are we trying to prove? What are we trying to say? Why waste so much of our lives holding a grudge? Have you ever noticed the person we don’t forgive still goes on living their life regardless? Most of the people we refuse to forgive don’t even know the bounty we’re holding over their head…have you ever thought about it like that? I have… and I gotta tell you, I felt stupid because the truth of the matter is – when we choose not to forgive, the only person we are punishing is ourselves, and all of us deserve better than that… even you!

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We all have a voice. Every single one of us has convictions, beliefs ,a personality and a mind that is uniquely ours. We are individuals who are often pressured to think, do and act in a specific way. Whether it be social pressure, family pressure or an internal struggle of our own… we all in some way or another cave into what other people want or expect from us.

Sometimes the struggle comes from within – there are some people who feel the need to please their parents, their spouse, their families… their children and in some cases I can respect the decision to take those individuals into consideration – but I learned that sacrificing who we are for the approval of others denies us our voice. I learned that by accommodating people for approval, we devalue ourselves and reveal to others our self-worth. You may not agree with me and I am fine with it but let me share with you why I feel this way.

When I was younger, I always sought my dad’s approval. His approval meant everything to me. I felt that by earning his approval, it meant I made him proud… I made him happy. I did many things to make him take notice and I went out of my way to do things I thought would please him. Unfortunately, I never got the result I so desperately desired. I joined a swim team when I was little because he was in swim team in high school. I played baseball because I thought since he went to all of my brothers games – I could get him to watch me in action. I wanted his cheer, I felt I needed this from him. Instead, all I got were awards and trophies that went unseen. I attended ceremonies by myself … the only child with no parent in sight.

As I grew older, my need for my father’s approval hadn’t escaped me. I still tried but always failed until one day I stopped caring. I stopped trying because I started believing I wasn’t important. If my dad didn’t acknowledge me – why would anyone else? I do admit that I hated my father for this. I hated him so much because I felt as if he hated me. For  many years I wanted to walk up to him and ask him why… why didn’t you come to one game or swim meet? What is it that I have to do to make you proud of me?

As much as I would like to be still, the opportunity has yet to present itself. I have been resistant to my surroundings because I sense the need to proceed with caution. I thought perhaps after my cancer scare, things would fall into place and I would regain some momentum – however, that has not happened. I still find myself carefully listening, cautiously moving forward. I’ll be honest…because I am unsure of what lies ahead, I am somewhat leery of what waits for me but I know regardless of where my life path leads me, I must commit myself to whatever awaits. I made a promise to myself that I would not be afraid of where my journey leads me and I deserve more from myself than basing my decisions on fear.

I do not know when I will no longer feel the need to be cautious but I will remain committed to my plans. I will not allow these whispers to stop me because I know that whatever life throws my way… I have what it takes to pull myself through, whatever the situation may be. I may be experiencing my cautionary whispers, but I am still here and I am still moving forward. If you find yourself proceeding with caution, don’t allow it to hinder your plans, just slow your pace and listen to what your whispers are telling you.

For the past few months I have been trying to adjust to certain circumstances. I lost a dear friend in August of 2011. Up until that point, there was never a big moment I didn’t share with my friend in the 17 years that I knew her. I wanted to share an entry about how amazing she was, only no words or description can do her memory justice. It became too painful for me to write… and even now I find sharing her loss with all of you difficult but I know in order for me to move past my pain of losing my friend, I have to let go… and I honestly don’t know how to do it. How do you let go of someone who was there for you for so many years? All the great laughs and heartaches we shared; all the milestones and setbacks we helped each other through; all the stories that were told… my heart aches at the reality of her not being here anymore. I miss my friend so, so much… and I still cry. I don’t know how to move past the sadness, and to be honest – a part of me doesn’t want to because in that sadness lies the memory of my friend.

The past six months have been a time of reflection for me. It’s been a time of readjusting and learning to live my life without her. I suppose this entry serves as a form of acceptance because now I am finally realizing my friend is gone. I am finally realizing she will never call, text or email me – nor reply to any of my Facebook posts. As heartbreaking as this is for me, I do know that I have been tremendously blessed to have met one of the most incredible persons on this planet…. and I was fortunate to have been called her friend.

Bern… if you are floating around somewhere… just know that I miss you… I always appreciated you – always…

A few weeks ago, it was the game Quell. Unfortunately for me, I passed the game fairly quickly… so my Quell addiction didn’t last for too long. If I become addicted to a book – I can’t put it down until I finish it. I have been known to read entire books in a few days… a week if the book has a lot pages. When I learn something fascinating, I will pull up as much information as I could on the topic. It’s almost like an obsession with me in a way. I have a difficult time not acting on my urges. I suppose the good news is that I don’t have the type of urges that would be harmful to me. I do not use drugs or have a drinking or gambling problem, but addictive tendencies are not healthy, or are they?

I posed the question to myself last night after noticing that maybe I was spending too much time playing Words with Friends or on Facebook constantly. Last night as I spent time alone, I realized the first thing I do when my alarm goes off in the morning is check my FB page instead of cuddling up with my husband for a minute longer. I never noticed how often I am on Facebook until last night. Like many of you, I have instant access to it through my cell, Kindle, laptop or computer. I am never without any of my devices – ever! It made me wonder how one day without any of my devices would be.

I have to be honest and say I think I could maybe last a few hours before I would start experiencing withdrawal symptoms… and I am not saying this lightly or with disregard to those who have substance abuse problems, because I know what it’s like to be addicted to drugs and alcohol. This is an honest admission that I am uncomfortable with my inability to go a whole day without any electronic devices that connect me online. In fact, I am so uncomfortable with it that I deactivated my Facebook account this morning. Yes – I am no longer anyone’s FB friend.

I don’t want to feel like I am not in control of any part of life – so if me disconnecting from social networks or playing less Words with Friends… or reading a book at a slower pace, then that’s what I’m willing to do to help me overcome my tendencies. I have kids that are watching – and for that alone I need to be more responsible in every aspect. I’m not saying Farmville, Sims, Mafia Wars or Frontierville are evil… and if you do want to know if I ever got addicted to these games… the answer is yes!  I’m just saying for my comfort… I need to detox. I am not saying goodbye to Facebook forever because I’m sure I’ll be back and when I do come back… it will be on my terms and with control!

Deactivating Facebook may be a baby step, but at least it’s a step in the right direction for me. Remember… this year for me is all about Persistence and Determination… and I am determined to be a better person and take control!

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