Uncertainties

Cautionary Whispers of Life

Hello everyone. Here I am again… I know it’s been a week and a half since my last post. I came into this new year with a ‘cautionary whisper’ in my soul. Have you ever had those moments where you sensed you needed to slow down and listen to all that is around you – only you’re not quite sure why? It’s like knowing there will be an adjustment without any indicators. I call them the cautionary whispers in our life. We don’t always listen because they (the cautionary whispers) almost always tend to be too subtle to be taken seriously. Most of the time, everything is going so well and things are flowing with ease that we ignore those whispers because we become confident in what’s going on in our present lives. Life appears to move without much effort at all. Yes, my life has been this easy at times but not now.

As much as I would like to be still, the opportunity has yet to present itself. I have been resistant to my surroundings because I sense the need to proceed with caution. I thought perhaps after my cancer scare, things would fall into place and I would regain some momentum – however, that has not happened. I still find myself carefully listening, cautiously moving forward. I’ll be honest…because I am unsure of what lies ahead, I am somewhat leery of what waits for me but I know regardless of where my life path leads me, I must commit myself to whatever awaits. I made a promise to myself that I would not be afraid of where my journey leads me and I deserve more from myself than basing my decisions on fear.

I do not know when I will no longer feel the need to be cautious but I will remain committed to my plans. I will not allow these whispers to stop me because I know that whatever life throws my way… I have what it takes to pull myself through, whatever the situation may be. I may be experiencing my cautionary whispers, but I am still here and I am still moving forward. If you find yourself proceeding with caution, don’t allow it to hinder your plans, just slow your pace and listen to what your whispers are telling you.

My Time to Mourn

Here I am… alas, writing a new post! I have gotten some concerned texts and messages wondering if everything has been alright. I suppose my sudden departure from Facebook and my inconsistent posts do not help, rather it heightens curiosity but I do want to say – yes… I am doing good. I am in good health, still employed, my kids are healthy and my husband and I are alright. Like I always say…”It’s all good!”

For the past few months I have been trying to adjust to certain circumstances. I lost a dear friend in August of 2011. Up until that point, there was never a big moment I didn’t share with my friend in the 17 years that I knew her. I wanted to share an entry about how amazing she was, only no words or description can do her memory justice. It became too painful for me to write… and even now I find sharing her loss with all of you difficult but I know in order for me to move past my pain of losing my friend, I have to let go… and I honestly don’t know how to do it. How do you let go of someone who was there for you for so many years? All the great laughs and heartaches we shared; all the milestones and setbacks we helped each other through; all the stories that were told… my heart aches at the reality of her not being here anymore. I miss my friend so, so much… and I still cry. I don’t know how to move past the sadness, and to be honest – a part of me doesn’t want to because in that sadness lies the memory of my friend.

The past six months have been a time of reflection for me. It’s been a time of readjusting and learning to live my life without her. I suppose this entry serves as a form of acceptance because now I am finally realizing my friend is gone. I am finally realizing she will never call, text or email me – nor reply to any of my Facebook posts. As heartbreaking as this is for me, I do know that I have been tremendously blessed to have met one of the most incredible persons on this planet…. and I was fortunate to have been called her friend.

Bern… if you are floating around somewhere… just know that I miss you… I always appreciated you – always…

What Now?

2012! What a year! I declared this would be a year of Persistence and Determination… so naturally you would think it would resonate by the upkeep on my blog… and if you are a regular reader, you would notice that it has been almost 2 weeks since my last entry.

I seem to have two very different ways of handling my life. I either isolate myself or throw myself out there for everyone to see. Well, this past circumstance I encountered, I found myself turning inward with no one to lean on but it wasn’t for a lack of wanting. I desperately wanted to let others know but knew that if I did, I would cause unnecessary worry but now that the dust has settled and my hand of cards has been played (in this case), I will finally share that 2012 looked like a year I was going to perhaps start off with cancer. My post on Persistence and Determination served more as a reaffirmation to myself that no matter what would happen – no matter what news I received, I would stare it down with persistence and determination.

I had developed a strange growth on my breast. I went to my doctor and had a biopsy performed. I was told I would receive a call either stating there were no cancer cells or be referred to a dermatologist for treatment. As scared as I was, I never admitted my fear to my husband or my parents but I did reassure them that no matter what the outcome was we needed to trust everything was going to be okay.

To say that my thoughts were consumed by all the ‘what if’s’ would be a gross understatement. I thought of everyone who has cancer – all those lives that are lost each and every year. I thought about the families who endure watching their loved one(s) fight for their life. I thought of my own sister who only two years ago was in that same battle herself. We never know how our lives can change… whether it be from cancer or not. This circumstance made me realize how fragile we can be at any given moment – and how strong and determined we have the ability to be when facing scary situations. All some of us know how to do is fight back – without being told. Although we are not guaranteed victory – we continue to fight… but for what? What is it that I am fighting for? What is it that you are fighting for? We all strive for something – but I am still unclear on what it is I continue to fight through and for what?

A week later, I received the phone call and was told there were no cancer cells. No cancer – not this time. I was so relieved and thankful I received good news. I know I was one of the lucky one but for some reason I keep asking myself what now?

Only Time Will Tell

As the year dwindles down, I can’t help but feel uncertainty for next year. What will my life unfold in 2012? Is it going to be as good of a year as this year? To be honest, I have been feeling a little anxious and I am not sure why.

Have you ever felt a little anxious about periods in your life? Do you have doubts about what you really want from yourself? I hope so. Sometimes I feel like I am all alone with my thoughts and usually I am pretty good at reassuring my mind that everything will be okay – but not this time. For some reason I feel as if I am treading on unfamiliar territory.

Only time will tell – it never disappoints nor does it wait, so I here I sit… just me and time. I realize this will be the first year I share for anyone to see. Whether it’s a good or bad thing – only time will tell. I guess I should say thank you to all those who have come across my blog…who knows, maybe this coming year I will understand a deeper meaning for my blog – only time will tell… regardless of what life unfolds, at least I know I am not alone

Life’s Puzzle Pieces

Have you ever felt deep down inside yourself that you were meant for a specific purpose? Have you ever felt as if your journey has been building up to one big moment… that your experiences resemble puzzle pieces just waiting to be put together to finally be seen as a whole? My life has always felt that way, and for some reason, I became afraid of the pieces I was given because I knew one day I would eventually have to put the puzzle together.

Eventually, my picture… my life will finally take the shape it was meant for all along. For most of my existence, I ignored all my pieces thinking perhaps I would be able to get rid of them, but they somehow manage to re-appear when I least expect it. Today is one of those days where I find myself sitting with all my pieces wondering what my life is – what my picture will look like when finished. I realize that I do not have all my pieces. I now understand that I will never be given a piece if I am not ready to receive it. Today, I am aware that my puzzle pieces are given because in one way or another – I have earned them… and that I am worthy of every single piece and that nobody can take away my puzzle.

My life continues to unfold in ways unexpected. My journey continues to make little sense at times, but when I come across a piece of my puzzle – I pick it up knowing I am on the right path. All my experiences in life are continually shaping me – good and bad. I am learning to embrace my existence with the knowledge that after I pass through each moment – there will be a puzzle piece waiting for me.

You may be wondering what my point is – and my point is this: Do not allow yourself to be selective of pieces in your life. Don’t allow yourself to only keep the bad pieces or just the good pieces. The truth is we need to accept our whole life in order to make sense of ourselves. In order to be the people we are meant to be, we must look at our lives collectively – not in individual moments… because those individual moments do not tell the whole story; they only create the illusion of a life we think we have. Live your life for what it is, and if you are not sure of where your journey is leading you, keep moving anyway – and in the meantime, continue to collect all your pieces knowing one day you will have all the ones you need.

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What am I willing to pay?

Today I am asking myself what cost am I willing to pay for my life journey and discovering where my fate lies? What would it take for me to give up this journey and settle back into a life I know will never work? We are all faced with the choice of paying the price for something we truly desire, and today I realized I have yet to pay mine. Til this day, I have never been forced to make the choice between what I know in my heart to be right vs. what would be best for those around me.

It’s actually a scary proposition if you think about who and what is around you. It forces you to put people and things into a deeper perspective. What would I be willing to let go and where would I draw the line? I honestly do not know but the thought of it worries me. All I can hope for is that I will make the right decision when the time comes and have no regrets.

Do Not Give Up!

“Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down.” ~ Charles F. Kettering

If there is one thing I could do, it would be to persuade you to never give up! I could care less if everyone else said you were wasting your time or that you don’t have what it takes! If you believe in yourself and you know deep down that you can accomplish your dreams, do not give up! I encourage you to keep dreaming. Speak your dreams out loud if you have to! Go get a journal or notebook and write about what it is you want to accomplish for your life… share your dreams with friends and family who will support and encourage you! We are all capable of achieving our goals and dreams, and you are no different.

Do not allow yourself to live with regret for something you did not have the courage to do. You may have sheltered yourself from disappointment or do not know what you are truly capable of, but do not let that stop you. Are you looking to become more active and healthier? Do you want a better job or create your own business? Does your marriage or relationship need work? Do you have plans to start a family or to become a parent? Then what are you waiting for? What excuses are preventing you from moving forward? Take that leap of faith… go and chase your dreams… don’t give up!

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Leslie… you need to CALM Down!

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Wanting to be more conscious and making (trying to make) life changes sucks sometimes. Today was one of those days for me where I just did not want to think about myself or where I am at because I am aware I have no clear life vision at all. Sometimes I think I have it, and other times I feel like I am close or that I am just way too distracted to even see it. Most of the time, I get the feeling that I am staring straight my life’s vision and have absolutely no clue. Like seriously, I could be staring at the elephant in the room, and I am completely oblivious to it. Either I am completely oblivious to it or I am not ready to accept my purpose.

You want to seriously know how I feel? I feel like I am playing a sick, twisted game of ‘Where’s Waldo’ where every thing and everyone actually looks like it could be Waldo…except I can’t figure out where the hell the guy is to save my life! I am having one of those days where I ask myself ‘What the hell is wrong with you, seriously?’ The sad thing is that I actually know what is wrong with me…

 I am too impatient. Yes – I really am. I hate this about myself but I am so impatient and my neuroticism (yes…this is a self-diagnosis) does not make it any better. Usually, this is the time where I psychoanalyze myself, and try to diagnose what my problem is but today I just do not have the energy. Plus, I might as well be honest with myself and say that I know there is nothing wrong with me – I just don’t like it when I can’t seem realize that there is a process I must go through in order to find myself. There are not shortcuts. There are no magic spells I can come across to ‘poof it into existence.’ I can not expect things to pop up when I want – who the hell am I to dictate the universe when and where to show up? Talk about being a pain in the butt!

 All I need to do is relax… take one step at a time and breathe. Leslie, it will be okay. Tomorrow is a new day and your time will come when you will be able to swoop down into the universe and make your mark. Just relax… every time you calm down things always tend to fall back into place. Remember, you knew this would never be easy and let this day serve as a reminder. Let us also remember that we are going to post this entry so stop making yourself look like a crazy person… now let’s go find our happy place shall we?

Nervous w/Writer’s Block!!

Blah bliggitty blah! Bluh blah bling bluu hoo blam… I have writer’s block today!! I’m feeling a little frustrated with myself because it hit me that there are actually people reading these posts. I knew there were gonna be people reading these entries, but I didn’t really prepare myself for how I would “feel” about that. I gotta be honest with you and say that I am actually a little nervous and since I haven’t been able to have my quiet time – I’m a little on edge. Believe me, once I can center myself and breathe, I will be back to normal… I almost promise!

So since I am here, I might as well explain to you that I do tend to ramble when I’m nervous. I really do – it’s not flattering, but it’s me. I also laugh when I’m nervous, but I’m not laughing right now because I just got off work, and since I had a bad day – the laughter ain’t gonna happen just yet. Hope everyone had a good day. I hope you had a better day than mine – the bar wasn’t set too high for that to happen, but what am I gonna do? It happens. We all have bad days. We pull ourselves up and keep going, right? It could be worse. I could be pouring down the liquor until I feel all warm and fuzzy… but since I don’t have all the things I need to make me a good margarita – I am stuck here with you! I need to go to the grocery store… a margarita actually does sound pretty good right now.

You think I should allow myself to end this here? I think that it may be a good idea before I end up confessing something strange – and since I’m new at blogging, it may not be a very good idea to start off on that foot just yet! That’s it – I’m signing off! Have a great rest of the day everyone

Um… Hello World

Welcome to another blog! I have never done this before (create a blog), but I suppose my drive to work inspired me to place myself out into the universe and see what comes back. Yes, I am talking about the Law of Attraction. I have been reading about it here and there for the past year – so why not test it? Why not invest some of my time? It’s not like I will be losing anything. It’s not like I take myself that serious to be hurt by a bruised ego or feel as if I am compromising my integrity – this is an honest attempt to discover where my life’s journey is leading me. I’m at a point in my life where I do not truly know what I meant to do – and I honestly really don’t know what to make of my life thus far. Like I always say – If we can’t be honest in discovering who we really are, then who else will invest the time in us to do so?

So this morning, while I was driving to work I did my usual ritual of reflecting on my life. I asked the question “What are you not doing that you should be doing and how the hell can I achieve it?” Lately I have been asking myself that question because it occurred to me that I have never developed the tools in life to take control. I’m 36 years old and I am barely realizing that I could have a greater impact in my life than just existing – living day by day and saying “Thank you God for the good things in life!” I do not want to be on the receiving end of life… I want to actually create it. I want to put myself out there, roll my sleeves up, pick up the shovel and dig in but the one thing that is stopping me is that I do not know where to start. Where the hell do I start?

If you have any ideas or recommendations, I would be more than happy to hear about it. I suppose my intention for this blog is to answer some of my questions and make sense of my life and all of its experiences. I am reaching out to bring clarity and attract those that I am meant to encounter. If my journey can in some way help you, then I know this blog is not in vain. If I make you laugh – then that’s even better. If I entertain you with anything I say or think… feel free to let me know! Who knows – maybe you were brought here for for a specific purpose, so let’s find out together.

I seriously do mean what I say. I know I have a lot of work to do on this blog. I just started this less than an hour ago… or today I should say. Where I go from here is still in the works. I am thinking this blog will serve more an an open journal – a record of my journey from this point on, so wish me luck. Here I am world… this is Leslie