Think on These “Positive” Things

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8 (New International Version)

Four years ago, my life was in a completely different place. It was a trying time for my husband and I. We had gotten the news that our 3-year-old son was autistic with ADHD, our financial situation had us literally living paycheck to paycheck. My husband and I only had one car when we needed two. Although we needed medical insurance, we had none because we could not afford it… and I don’t remember ever getting one decent night of sleep. I know my husband would agree with me; it was the most stressful time in our life.

We were barely scrapping by… no matter how often we tried to change our situation – nothing seemed to work. Both of us tried to change jobs; both of us tried to encourage one another to no avail; as much as we wanted to blame each other, we knew our situation wasn’t for lack of effort. My husband and I tried as hard as we could and nothing was giving. Day and night, I obsessed over how bad it was… and don’t even get me started with the guilt I felt over everything.

During an orientation we attended regarding new services our son qualified for, one of the counselors told us hopefully one day our son will be able to get a job working as a janitor or some job that would allow him to make a small amount of money on his own. I remember my husband and I looked at each other and instantaneously glared back at the man who made the comment. I knew it wasn’t the counselor’s intention to offend us – his intention was to prepare us for the possibility our son might not have the ability to live an independent life. Regardless of his intention…it didn’t sit well with me. How dare this man try to tell me how my son will turn out to be. The whole day I heard that man’s voice in my head and knew somehow, some way things had to get better. It was not that counselor’s job to tell us what we could and could not expect in regards to my son or my family.

A few weeks later, I came across the scripture Philippians 4:8 in the bible and it brought me to tears. Yes, my situation was bad… and stressful but I never realized it could be much worse. Instead of wanting to desperately leave my life – it dawned on me I had to accept it before making any kind of changes. I had to see my life and acknowledge even though it was bad, even though it was difficult – it wasn’t as bad as it could be. I may not have health insurance, a full-time job, a good night’s sleep… a second car but I have other things. I had a husband who was still there. I had a little boy who didn’t talk… but was healthy, happy, secure and loved. I may not have health insurance – but thank God I had never gotten sick. So what we only had one car – my husband and I never had to miss work because of it. We may not have our own house… but at least we have an apartment. At least our family is together. Yes, I wished our financial situation was better and even though our budget was tight – we never had to borrow money to make ends meet or had to stand in any line to receive food donations. Somehow, we manged to provide for ourselves with the little we had.

There I was sitting with my bible… the victim of the sad, depressing story that was all in my head and I took it to be the end all and be all of my life. The choice was mine… either think on the positives or accept the negatives. What do you think I did? As difficult as it was to not complain or feel sorry for myself, I made myself believe things were going to get better. I wasn’t sure how… but I knew I had to do something different in order for change to come. I may be the parent of an autistic child but he was given to me and I knew I would never love him any less. I knew if I wanted to make a difference, I needed empower myself to think positive… and believe that somehow it was going to get better!

Within a year, our finances got better… and we bought a second car. My husband got a new job and was able to get health insurance for all of us… and we were able to afford it. My son…, who did not speak, started talking. He was given the most intensive speech therapy given to a child in the school district – and with his hard work and determination, he achieved in two months what they hoped he would achieve after six months of therapy. Did we have difficult times… yes, especially when it came to potty training but every time my son took a couple steps back, I was reminded of how far he had come. He went into kindergarten without knowing how to hold a pencil… and today he’s in a regular 1st grade class with no special classes (with the exception of speech therapy). He reads, writes and has earned math achievement awards.  Not only will he always be high functioning autistic with ADHD, but he will always be my hero. If he can make so much progress with the challenges he faces everyday – what excuses do I have? How different would this story be if I would have allowed myself focus on the negatives?

It’s difficult not to get emotional writing this but I want you to know I am not stranger to tough times. I’ve been there and I am someone who knows it can get better… it will get better if you believe with your whole heart. During the dark moments, it’s okay to feel the desperation. Don’t think acknowledging it means you accept it – acknowledge it because you want to change it. Positive change will happen if you truly believe it but in the meantime, think about it. Think about the possibilities of living a better life and pave a positive path into your future. It may not happen over night… it took us a year to finally turn our corner – but I was determined to make the choice to think on the “positive” things and it was one of the best decisions I ever made for my family and I.

To My Family – Thank You for the Lessons!

In honor of Thanksgiving, I am going to pay tribute to some of the lessons I have learned from my family. We all have families…some more complex than others but we were born into a family, and I am at the place in my life where I can appreciate them enough to take this time to thank them for being in my life.

I would like to start off with my mom… who always taught me that I could do anything I put my mind to. She may not have chosen the path herself, but it never stopped her from empowering me to dream big or work hard. My mom never gave up on me – ever. She taught me that a parent is never perfect; and although we will make mistakes…making mistakes doesn’t mean giving up. My mom is the reason why I stand tall and am able to look up without feeling ashamed. My mom is the reason why I don’t pretend to be who I am not… and I will forever be grateful for those lessons.

My dad… he taught me that hard work pays off. He taught me that you must be ready to improvise, adapt and overcome any obstacle that comes your way. My dad taught me that it’s important to care about those less fortunate. He taught me that even though life gets tough or when situations look impossible – you must always have faith that God will see you through. My father has taught me that you must sometimes make sacrifices for your family… and I will forever be grateful for those lessons.

My brothers and sisters… they taught me that laughter will always be the bind that ties us together. If there is one thing we do right, laughter is it (especially my sisters Liz and Alix)! We may not always talk or see each other… but don’t think you can get away with criticizing any of us without feeling the sting of fierce loyalty. Even though we fight and complain, it won’t stop us from protecting one another. I have learned to love and appreciate all my brothers and sisters … and I will forever be grateful for those lessons.

My husband and I before we got married 2000

My husband… what has he not taught me? He taught me what it means to love. He taught me that not everyone is as fortunate and not everything is as it seems. I have learned through my husband that it’s okay to be sensitive and vulnerable. He is teaching me that it’s important to show appreciation in the little things. He also teaches me that you must sometimes fight for what’s important. My husband isn’t perfect, but neither am I. I love him very much and I just want him to be happy in everything that he does. He taught me that having a good family doesn’t make you a good parent. Even though my husband was raised without a father, you would never know by the way he is with our kids. He’s such a great dad, and I will forever be grateful for those lessons.

My kids…they taught me unconditional love. My heart aches when I am away from them for more than a few hours. Every time I see my kids, the heavens part. I never knew I was capable of being a good parent until I had my kids. I never knew what it meant to be responsible for someone until I had my babies. My children made me a better person. They added a depth to life I never knew existed. Not one day goes by where I regret having them. I only hope and pray I am here long enough to see them grow into themselves without fear or intimidation. I absolutely adore my babies and I will forever be grateful for those lessons!

I can only hope I had a small part in touching the lives close to me. I can only hope my parents, siblings, husband and children can look back at me and in some way thank me for making a difference in their lives. I can only hope they realize how much I love them. I can only hope one day my kids will understand and appreciate the lessons I am trying to teach them, but in the meantime I will forever be grateful for their lessons!

Above All… Love

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.  ~Zora Neale Hurston

Love is such a small word with such an enormous meaning. To love someone or something draws out that innate devotion inside us. When we love, we declare it without thinking twice. Our love drives us to act beyond what we would normally not do for anyone else. Our ability to shower our love on someone is assurance we found it.

Love is such a wonderful thing! How much more wonderful would it be if we were to love ourselves the way we love others? Loving ourselves for who we truly are is what should make our soul crawl out from its hiding place. Loving ourselves enough to embrace who we are at the core is above all; the greatest thing you can do in your life because when we know love firsthand, it’s easy to love on those around us. We may not have a love parade following us around every where we go, but if we love ourselves – we don’t have to go around trying to squeeze the living love out of anyone. If we fail to love ourselves, we fail to place value in who we are. If you cannot value yourself, then why would you think anyone else would?

You may think no one loves you or that you don’t matter. You may have experienced feeling unwanted – but it doesn’t mean that you are not loved. We may not experience love the way we define it, but it doesn’t mean it you are not deserving. You are just as deserving as anyone else. Accept and love yourself for who you are… it may not be much at first, but hey – love is love!

Living Life in the Moment- My Story

Living life in the moment has allowed me to better understand who I am. When I say living life in the moment, I mean being emotionally, mentally and spiritually aware of the place you are at now without distractions. This entry is somewhat painful to write about because I hate admitting I have not always lived in the moment of my life. I still feel shame about some of the choices I made, but if I can use my experiences as a lesson for someone else, I am willing to sacrifice my shame.

When I was 24 years old, my life was a mess. I had absolutely no direction or plan for my future. A couple years prior to that, my life seemed like it was all put together. I had been working and going school. I had amazing friends who were making great choices for themselves, and I myself had plans to transfer to a nearby university. Things looked promising. My life was moving in a positive direction but it all came crashing down. I self destructed and gave up. The image I had of myself in my mind and the guilt I carried from being a teenage drug addict was what caused my downfall.

At 16 years old, I had to confess to my mom that I was a tweeker… a crystal meth user. Not only did I use crystal meth, but I also smoked, drank and used marijuana. The drugs became a problem for me and I got kicked out of high school. I was forced to attend continuation school due to falling behind. I was able to catch a huge break from all my trouble because my family and I moved. I simply used the move as a new start and made a choice not to hang around with people who used drugs or partied. No one knew where I came from or had any idea of my past, and I made a huge effort hiding who I was. I took advantage of the move by working my way out of continuation school and back into a regular high school, where I graduated. I thought my past was completely behind me.

Things started to slowly unravel during my time at community college. My life was going so well but I started feeling guilty when I began hearing about friends from my past getting pregnant, having continued drug problems and getting arrested. I began feeling like I did not deserve to be where I was at because I knew my life would have been so different had I not moved. The guilt caused me to smoke again… something I had not done since I was 16. The smoking led to drinking… then partying and going to nightclubs, which then led me back to smoking marijuana.

I was a mess. I started feeling helpless about where I was and somewhere my mind subconsciously gave up and checked out. I dropped out of school and lost control. Before I knew it, I was in the middle of a sea of bad choices with no idea of how to fix it. All I could do was wait until I fell on my face, and that is exactly what happened. The moment that changed everything was when I became pregnant (Yes, I know… I really know how to screw things up!). My life was in complete disarray and to be pregnant was almost unbelievable even to me. As stressed out  and difficult as it was, I knew I had to make the right decision, I decided to keep the baby and finally step up and hold myself accountable. As scared as I was of my dad, the father of my baby (who is now my husband) and I met with my him, apologized, and told him that we were willing to be responsible. My only concern at that time was my dad not killing me or the father of my baby.

I thought I was finally going to start the process of  taking back control, but what I could not control was my body. I suffered a miscarriage and lost my baby. It was such a painful experience I still become emotional over the memory. It took me another two years after my miscarriage to realize that I still had not dealt with my past or the loss of my baby. I threw myself into work and worked long hours to prevent me from thinking or feeling the pain of my past. I did not allow myself to meet new friends because I did not want to share any part of past. I was so fragile on the inside that I would literally get up and leave whenever someone asked a personal question.

It wasn’t until one morning I realized how pathetic I had become. I was sitting at my desk and happened to glance up. I looked at the pictures I had on my desk of my husband and I at our wedding. I never realized how far we had come because I was too busy avoiding the pain and mistakes of my past. It was only then that I realized I would have to keep running if I refused to stop and take life in completely. I realized that I had to learn to live my life in every moment…painful or not. That morning I made the choice of wanting to live my life for what it was. For the first time, I made the choice of not running away.

I also decided that I was not going to smoke or drink anymore when I felt stressed. I made the decision that I would not rely on sleep aids if I wasn’t able to sleep. I wasn’t going to take a nap when I felt sad… I was going to live in the moment and feel my emotions authentically. It’s been a rough ride but I have come a long way and I proud of myself because it was not easy. It’s been years since I’ve smoked or abused any substance as a way to forget or numb my pain. I no longer need anything to get me through the day. I am living every moment and feeling ever range of emotion we are intended to feel. I do not regret making the choice of living my life in the moment because we will never be able to make the pain or our pasts disappear unless we stand toe to toe with it. I no longer avoid the rearview mirror into my past because I’m too busy living my life here and now… and that is my story.

10 Quick Lessons

Here is a list of 10 lessons I have learned in my life.  Although they are simple, they have the ability to make your life easier.

• Do not lie. If you lie – you can never be honest.
• Do not make excuses for who you are… or who you are not.
• Never expect more than what you can give. You are being unfair and unreasonable.
• Be honest with yourself and others – it saves you an explanation.
• Practice what you preach…hypocrites are worthless.
• Learn to listen – blabbering fools are never respected.
• Forgiving yourself and others sets you free.
• Do not allow fear dictate your decisions.
• Allow yourself to feel all your emotions – ignoring pain does not make it disappear.
• Trust in the Lord with all your soul, all your heart and all your mind.

Thank you for the Encouragement

Are their people in your life you can always rely on for a word of encouragement? Do you have individuals who praise and congratulate you when you accomplish a goal? If you said yes – consider yourself blessed. I find an encouraging word or gesture goes a long way and has profound impacts on people’s lives. William Arthur Ward said it best with this quote,” Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.”  Encouraging people motivate and bring out the best in others.

When we take time to compliment someone or show we genuinely care, we also validate him or her. Our words and gestures help build confidence by acknowledging them.  Encouragement can help a person see past their negative circumstances. It can cause others to see the good in themselves. It can help push and motivate an addict who desperately wants to change. Encouragement has the possibility of inspiring others to take a leap of faith. How profound is that?

I am so grateful for all the support and encouragement I receive from my family and friends. I feel so grateful today that I would like to say thank you. I thank you from the sincerest place of my heart. I do not know where my life would be without you – and I have never taken it for granted.

My Year of Hope and Peace

Reflecting on my life this year brings me to a place of hope and peace. I am more hopeful now than I have ever been. Even though I have no idea where I will find myself by the end of the year, I have a peace within that is encouraging me to dream bigger than I ever have. I consider this year to be a year of empowerment and transformation because I have finally allowed myself to accept me for who I am. I make no excuses nor do I owe any apologies for being me. I am starting to understand that God will not honor me or my intentions unless I stand in my own skin and live life authentically. How can God validate us if we refuse to acknowledge our true selves? How can anyone expect to live life to its fullest if we suppress the person God created us to be?

The liberation of living an authentic life is worth more than any priceless gem. I understand that when we own up to ourselves, the universe opens up to us and responds accordingly. We cannot expect God to bless our path if we are unwilling to take the path as ourselves. I am learning once we acknowledge who we are, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do or say to manipulate what God has planned. Our acknowledgement fuels the flame in our lives – it allows our visions and dreams to come into existence so effortlessly.

This year I have been given the gift of envisioning my life in a way I had always been afraid of. This year I have been pushing myself to be more conscious and have been encouraged to look past my insecurities to see the potential I am capable of. This year God has been stirring the living waters of my soul and the universe has responded. Yes it is scary for me. Yes I have to overcome personal hurdles and paralyzing perceptions… but through this whole process, I finally have hope and peace about the new possibilities of my future!