Faith

Acknowledging Our Trenches

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you;
they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” - Bernice Johnson Reagon

As encouraging and optimistic I like to be, I also accept and acknowledge the difficult moments I experience in my life. Everyone struggles. We all experience hardships that cause us to doubt whether we have what it takes to overcome the darkness of the moment, and it’s in those dark moments of life where we are most vulnerable.

Many times it seems you reach out only to find no one can truly understand your heartache or your struggle. I have had those moments where I reach out to friends or loved ones to share how I feel only to be told that everything is going to be okay; not to worry… time will heal the pain. You want to know what I learned about time healing your pain? Time really doesn’t heal pain… it’s us that heal over time.

Some people heal faster than others. Still, there are others who never find healing but one thing we all experience is the time between the healing…what I define as being in the trenches. We’ve all been in the trenches – where it’s dark, cold and muddy. Sometimes we have the strength to slosh through the mud on two feet – those are the good days. The days where you can get out of bed or take a shower and go out for some fresh air. Then you have the days where you don’t have the energy to even look at yourself in the mirror or get out of bed.

Have you ever experienced life like that? Whether it be from a loss of a loved one, depression, drugs, alcohol, finances spiraling out of control, marital problems or struggling at a job or in school – we have all been in the trenches of life and I want to tell you it’s okay. It’s okay to hurt and to feel alone… it’s okay to acknowledge the shame you feel because if you don’t, you will never have the ability to move past your trench. If you can’t admit your shame, disappointment, sorrow or heartache you will not be able to overcome your shadow. Do you want to overcome your trench? Do you want to be able to overcome your shadow?

Do you realize in order to move through your trench you must make a choice – make a conscious choice and stick to it no matter what. You may feel like the day is meant to give you hell. You may feel like every person you interact with is there to kick you down. You may feel like it cannot get any worse… whatever it feels like for you – always remember you are still here. You are still breathing and every day you are blessed with is one more day God gave you to fight back. You may not think your fighting… but believe me – every day that you are here is one day you overcame!

I know what it’s like have to fight. I know what it takes to slosh through my trench. I had to overcome so much in my life. From being molested as a child and being abused, being a teenage drug user, to abusing my body and alcohol, suffering a miscarriage, overcoming drugs, overcoming dangerous habits, overcoming financial struggles, overcoming the pain of my past to be here now… I could not be here if I gave up in my trench.

I would have never discovered who I was without my trenches. I would not be able to appreciate where I am if I would have given up when I found myself face down in the mud. If you are in a difficult period – if you find yourself in a trench you can’t seem to overcome, allow yourself to acknowledge your difficultly…there’s nothing wrong with admitting you feel overwhelmed. I know what it’s like to worry about providing for your family on an income that barely give you enough just to pay the bills. I know what it’s like to have to overcome a rough patch in a marriage. I know what it’s like dealing with a child that has developmental disorders. Believe me… I know how it feels to be in a trench – and I also know how it feels to overcome.

Admission is the first step to overcome the pain, shame, guilt, disappointment… whatever you are going through – if you admit it and bring it out of the shadow – you don’t have to waste so much time hiding what’s there. What’s stopping you?

Don’t be afraid of your trenches… because they are not here to hurt us – they are here to make us stronger!

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Think on These “Positive” Things

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8 (New International Version)

Four years ago, my life was in a completely different place. It was a trying time for my husband and I. We had gotten the news that our 3-year-old son was autistic with ADHD, our financial situation had us literally living paycheck to paycheck. My husband and I only had one car when we needed two. Although we needed medical insurance, we had none because we could not afford it… and I don’t remember ever getting one decent night of sleep. I know my husband would agree with me; it was the most stressful time in our life.

We were barely scrapping by… no matter how often we tried to change our situation – nothing seemed to work. Both of us tried to change jobs; both of us tried to encourage one another to no avail; as much as we wanted to blame each other, we knew our situation wasn’t for lack of effort. My husband and I tried as hard as we could and nothing was giving. Day and night, I obsessed over how bad it was… and don’t even get me started with the guilt I felt over everything.

During an orientation we attended regarding new services our son qualified for, one of the counselors told us hopefully one day our son will be able to get a job working as a janitor or some job that would allow him to make a small amount of money on his own. I remember my husband and I looked at each other and instantaneously glared back at the man who made the comment. I knew it wasn’t the counselor’s intention to offend us – his intention was to prepare us for the possibility our son might not have the ability to live an independent life. Regardless of his intention…it didn’t sit well with me. How dare this man try to tell me how my son will turn out to be. The whole day I heard that man’s voice in my head and knew somehow, some way things had to get better. It was not that counselor’s job to tell us what we could and could not expect in regards to my son or my family.

A few weeks later, I came across the scripture Philippians 4:8 in the bible and it brought me to tears. Yes, my situation was bad… and stressful but I never realized it could be much worse. Instead of wanting to desperately leave my life – it dawned on me I had to accept it before making any kind of changes. I had to see my life and acknowledge even though it was bad, even though it was difficult – it wasn’t as bad as it could be. I may not have health insurance, a full-time job, a good night’s sleep… a second car but I have other things. I had a husband who was still there. I had a little boy who didn’t talk… but was healthy, happy, secure and loved. I may not have health insurance – but thank God I had never gotten sick. So what we only had one car – my husband and I never had to miss work because of it. We may not have our own house… but at least we have an apartment. At least our family is together. Yes, I wished our financial situation was better and even though our budget was tight – we never had to borrow money to make ends meet or had to stand in any line to receive food donations. Somehow, we manged to provide for ourselves with the little we had.

There I was sitting with my bible… the victim of the sad, depressing story that was all in my head and I took it to be the end all and be all of my life. The choice was mine… either think on the positives or accept the negatives. What do you think I did? As difficult as it was to not complain or feel sorry for myself, I made myself believe things were going to get better. I wasn’t sure how… but I knew I had to do something different in order for change to come. I may be the parent of an autistic child but he was given to me and I knew I would never love him any less. I knew if I wanted to make a difference, I needed empower myself to think positive… and believe that somehow it was going to get better!

Within a year, our finances got better… and we bought a second car. My husband got a new job and was able to get health insurance for all of us… and we were able to afford it. My son…, who did not speak, started talking. He was given the most intensive speech therapy given to a child in the school district – and with his hard work and determination, he achieved in two months what they hoped he would achieve after six months of therapy. Did we have difficult times… yes, especially when it came to potty training but every time my son took a couple steps back, I was reminded of how far he had come. He went into kindergarten without knowing how to hold a pencil… and today he’s in a regular 1st grade class with no special classes (with the exception of speech therapy). He reads, writes and has earned math achievement awards.  Not only will he always be high functioning autistic with ADHD, but he will always be my hero. If he can make so much progress with the challenges he faces everyday – what excuses do I have? How different would this story be if I would have allowed myself focus on the negatives?

It’s difficult not to get emotional writing this but I want you to know I am not stranger to tough times. I’ve been there and I am someone who knows it can get better… it will get better if you believe with your whole heart. During the dark moments, it’s okay to feel the desperation. Don’t think acknowledging it means you accept it – acknowledge it because you want to change it. Positive change will happen if you truly believe it but in the meantime, think about it. Think about the possibilities of living a better life and pave a positive path into your future. It may not happen over night… it took us a year to finally turn our corner – but I was determined to make the choice to think on the “positive” things and it was one of the best decisions I ever made for my family and I.

That Which is Unseen

Have you ever realized our optimism shows the people around us where our faith in life lies? Optimistic people cannot be positive without faith. Our Optimism is the greatest testament to our faith because being optimistic is something that can rarely be faked. We either look at our circumstances and hope for the best or look at what is in front of us, calculate the odds and act accordingly.

The Bible defines faith (Hebrews 11:1) as “…the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” I am not referencing a faith in God – but rather faith in life itself… in it’s everyday experiences. Every day we wake up and have the choice of being as optimistic as our faith allows. Where do you rank on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of being optimistic?

Charles Swindoll said that “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” If you think about it – 90% of our life is determined by how optimistic we allow ourselves. There are no guarantees we won’t suffer hardships, but we can control how we handle them. Don’t allow your circumstances rob you of that which is unseen. Don’t allow negativity diminish your faith in your surroundings. Faith has the power to breathe into existence the life you have only dared to imagine. Faith can speak the unseen into reality…as long as we remain optimistic.

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Living Life in the Moment- My Story

Living life in the moment has allowed me to better understand who I am. When I say living life in the moment, I mean being emotionally, mentally and spiritually aware of the place you are at now without distractions. This entry is somewhat painful to write about because I hate admitting I have not always lived in the moment of my life. I still feel shame about some of the choices I made, but if I can use my experiences as a lesson for someone else, I am willing to sacrifice my shame.

When I was 24 years old, my life was a mess. I had absolutely no direction or plan for my future. A couple years prior to that, my life seemed like it was all put together. I had been working and going school. I had amazing friends who were making great choices for themselves, and I myself had plans to transfer to a nearby university. Things looked promising. My life was moving in a positive direction but it all came crashing down. I self destructed and gave up. The image I had of myself in my mind and the guilt I carried from being a teenage drug addict was what caused my downfall.

At 16 years old, I had to confess to my mom that I was a tweeker… a crystal meth user. Not only did I use crystal meth, but I also smoked, drank and used marijuana. The drugs became a problem for me and I got kicked out of high school. I was forced to attend continuation school due to falling behind. I was able to catch a huge break from all my trouble because my family and I moved. I simply used the move as a new start and made a choice not to hang around with people who used drugs or partied. No one knew where I came from or had any idea of my past, and I made a huge effort hiding who I was. I took advantage of the move by working my way out of continuation school and back into a regular high school, where I graduated. I thought my past was completely behind me.

Things started to slowly unravel during my time at community college. My life was going so well but I started feeling guilty when I began hearing about friends from my past getting pregnant, having continued drug problems and getting arrested. I began feeling like I did not deserve to be where I was at because I knew my life would have been so different had I not moved. The guilt caused me to smoke again… something I had not done since I was 16. The smoking led to drinking… then partying and going to nightclubs, which then led me back to smoking marijuana.

I was a mess. I started feeling helpless about where I was and somewhere my mind subconsciously gave up and checked out. I dropped out of school and lost control. Before I knew it, I was in the middle of a sea of bad choices with no idea of how to fix it. All I could do was wait until I fell on my face, and that is exactly what happened. The moment that changed everything was when I became pregnant (Yes, I know… I really know how to screw things up!). My life was in complete disarray and to be pregnant was almost unbelievable even to me. As stressed out  and difficult as it was, I knew I had to make the right decision, I decided to keep the baby and finally step up and hold myself accountable. As scared as I was of my dad, the father of my baby (who is now my husband) and I met with my him, apologized, and told him that we were willing to be responsible. My only concern at that time was my dad not killing me or the father of my baby.

I thought I was finally going to start the process of  taking back control, but what I could not control was my body. I suffered a miscarriage and lost my baby. It was such a painful experience I still become emotional over the memory. It took me another two years after my miscarriage to realize that I still had not dealt with my past or the loss of my baby. I threw myself into work and worked long hours to prevent me from thinking or feeling the pain of my past. I did not allow myself to meet new friends because I did not want to share any part of past. I was so fragile on the inside that I would literally get up and leave whenever someone asked a personal question.

It wasn’t until one morning I realized how pathetic I had become. I was sitting at my desk and happened to glance up. I looked at the pictures I had on my desk of my husband and I at our wedding. I never realized how far we had come because I was too busy avoiding the pain and mistakes of my past. It was only then that I realized I would have to keep running if I refused to stop and take life in completely. I realized that I had to learn to live my life in every moment…painful or not. That morning I made the choice of wanting to live my life for what it was. For the first time, I made the choice of not running away.

I also decided that I was not going to smoke or drink anymore when I felt stressed. I made the decision that I would not rely on sleep aids if I wasn’t able to sleep. I wasn’t going to take a nap when I felt sad… I was going to live in the moment and feel my emotions authentically. It’s been a rough ride but I have come a long way and I proud of myself because it was not easy. It’s been years since I’ve smoked or abused any substance as a way to forget or numb my pain. I no longer need anything to get me through the day. I am living every moment and feeling ever range of emotion we are intended to feel. I do not regret making the choice of living my life in the moment because we will never be able to make the pain or our pasts disappear unless we stand toe to toe with it. I no longer avoid the rearview mirror into my past because I’m too busy living my life here and now… and that is my story.

Do Not Give Up!

“Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down.” ~ Charles F. Kettering

If there is one thing I could do, it would be to persuade you to never give up! I could care less if everyone else said you were wasting your time or that you don’t have what it takes! If you believe in yourself and you know deep down that you can accomplish your dreams, do not give up! I encourage you to keep dreaming. Speak your dreams out loud if you have to! Go get a journal or notebook and write about what it is you want to accomplish for your life… share your dreams with friends and family who will support and encourage you! We are all capable of achieving our goals and dreams, and you are no different.

Do not allow yourself to live with regret for something you did not have the courage to do. You may have sheltered yourself from disappointment or do not know what you are truly capable of, but do not let that stop you. Are you looking to become more active and healthier? Do you want a better job or create your own business? Does your marriage or relationship need work? Do you have plans to start a family or to become a parent? Then what are you waiting for? What excuses are preventing you from moving forward? Take that leap of faith… go and chase your dreams… don’t give up!

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Gotta Have Faith

There is no meaning to life if you do not believe in something. I am not one to push my beliefs upon anyone but my faith in God is the most important belief I hold. I would not be who I am without God. God makes me a better person and my pursuit to understand and interpret who God is will never cease. My faith runs so deep that I do not believe there is any theology or circumstance that would cause me to question God’s existence.

You may not feel the same way I do. You may have experienced situations that cause you to question God’s existence – and I am fine with that. I have experienced some horrible things in my past that contradict what many believe God should not allow. I am not sure why we have war. I am not sure why we experience loss of children or family unexpectedly. I do not know why some people suffer more than others… I do not have those answers, but what I can do is listen and understand where you are coming from. I can try to help those less fortunate and support charities that reach out to the communities or support various causes. I can be there for family and friends who are experiencing difficult times. I can cry with someone who is sad or pray for someone who asks.

I may not have the most sophisticated theological or philosophical perspective on who God is, but it will not prevent me from believing. I will not waste time on debating and trying to prove that God exists because I see no point. Arguing for the sake of trying to prove a point does nothing but serve our egos. Many of us argue just to be right – so why give God a bad reputation from our selfish motives or narrow thinking. I would rather practice my beliefs instead of talking about them. I would rather demonstrate my belief in God through my actions because my actions are more powerful than any words I speak. I love the Lord with all of my heart, mind and soul and the least I could do is honor my faith through the way I choose to live.