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Become A LION!

What is living if we are unable to ask ourselves the uncomfortable questions to our lives? I asked myself the exact same question about 6 years ago. I had spent most of my life avoiding my uncomfortable questions because the truth hurt. I did not want to see myself in that light. I didn’t want to admit what was really going on or why I kept making the same mistakes. I did not want to know… because I already knew. I already knew but was too much of a coward to admit my truth. I had never admitted to myself that I was a coward or afraid – but when I was forced to embrace myself for who I was, something happened. I became the coward on a mission to find courage…and now I am a lion!

I am no longer afraid to ask myself those tough questions anymore because I am a lion with courage! It’s quite liberating and I recommend you do the same. Don’t let your life cause you to walk away because you may not think you have what it takes to answer life’s uncomfortable questions. Do not get in the habit of retreating because you are too ashamed to embrace yourself as you are. Let your weaknesses and shortcomings empower you to embark on your own life mission. Ask yourself the painful questions you never wanted to answer. Ask yourself the questions you know will challenge you to be honest about your life. Ask yourself this – If you can’t be honest with yourself… then how can you expect others to be honest for you? Today, I am asking you to become a courageous lion!

Take Your Time, Do It Right!

Our patience will achieve more than our force. – Edmund Burke

Living our lives patiently requires much wisdom. Are you one of those people who do not know how to wait for the right time? Do you rush through decisions only to admit down the road you should have been a little more patient; you should have waited for a better opportunity. How often do you hear people say they wish they would have waited to get married, took their time selecting a better job, waited just a little more to buy the car they really wanted?

I am not sure why people become impatient, but I can share my excuses. You notice I said excuses rather than reasons? The truth is I have no real reasons for my impatience. I just get anxious and impulsive. I get so anxious; I feel if I do not act immediately it will never happen. I have wanted things so badly there were times when I threw logic out the window. If something didn’t go my way you better believe I did all I could to force it. ‘No’ or ‘later’ was not an option. I have jumped over and through hoops to get what I wanted, only to end up having to admit I made a mistake and should have waited.

I was a hopeless case at one point and the only thing that changed me was the birth of my kids. Becoming a mom became a saving grace for me in many ways because having to be responsible for a little human being made me understand consequences others might have to pay due to my impatience. I could not look myself in the eye if I ever allowed my kids to pay a price for a bad decision they did not make.

Learning patience has given me the understanding that ‘wait’ does not mean it won’t ever happen. Waiting does not mean giving up. Patience means I do not have to force it into existence – the opportunity will come when it’s ready. Most of the time our patience only requires us holding out our hand to receive what was ours all along. There is no forcing; bending, hurdling or jumping through loops required if we learn to be patient. Take the time to plan a little better. Success is not built on how quickly we get things done. Success is a well thought out process that takes TIME. As I said before, if it is meant to be, there is nothing or no one that can manipulate what God and the universe has in store. It is always better to receive when we are ready. You do not have to live your life constantly forcing things into existence – our life journey will carry us there regardless, so learn to take it slow and build your life one stone at a time.

Scaling Our Mountain

I love when our life journey takes on a physical manifestation. Instead of imagining, or trying to visualize and figure out life in my mind, my journey exposed itself in the form of a mountain. This past week I was on vacation and we were able to spend a day at Wasatch Mountains in Utah. We ascended 1,092 feet (1 ½ miles) to Timpanogos Cave. This was the first time in my life I scaled a mountain that high. This hike took all the mental and physical strength I had. It is easy to say that I left part of my soul on that trail. Every step, every breath, every bead of sweat that went down my face was a reminder of my life journey.

I realized no matter how unprepared I think I am (or feel), I have what it takes to scale my mountains here and now. That mountain reminded me I must continue to seek a healthier lifestyle. That mountain reminded me we will feel tired and worn out. We will stop to catch our breath, but we must always keep going. It reminded me no matter how tough life gets, we need to push ourselves because we will eventually reach the top. God will send those to encourage and inspire us to keep moving when we feel we can no longer go any further.

My encouragement and inspiration came in the form of my youngest sister who is a cancer survivor. My sister and her fiancé were with me every step of the way and I knew that if she could pull herself through cancer and move far away from her family at 21 to start living her life, then I had no excuses. I knew how difficult the climb was for her– but I love and respect her too much to have allowed her to quit. On our way up, my sister told me I was crazy but one day she will realize that I am not crazy – I am only inspired. Although I am almost 15 years older than she is, she encourages and inspires me. I was so proud of her and her fiancé. Watching them support one another and climb up that mountain together was a beautiful thing to witness.

I hope that when my sister faces tough times or questions whether she has what it takes she will remember our hike. She will look back and realize that she never gave up either. We are all capable of inspiration and encouragement. We are all capable of scaling our mountains. Whatever your mountain represents – you can reach the top. You can do it as long as you take it one-step at a time. If we had quit, we would have cheated ourselves out of the view from the top. We would have never have known how far we climbed. Do not let your mountain discourage you, no matter how big it is. Take a deep breath and start climbing!

Moving Beyond the Guilt

How often have you felt guilty for things you may have done in the past? How long has it been since you had clear conscience? Have you ever self-sabotaged your plans because of guilt? Have you ever broken up with someone because you felt undeserving or gave up on a goal because you didn’t feel worthy of achievement?

Guilt has a crippling effect when we are unable to move beyond it. I have felt so guilty over things in my past, it caused me to lose sleep, drink, avoid, lie… you name it. Guilt knew me so well that it called me by my nickname. No matter how much I did to sweep guilt under the rug, it would not budge. It does nothing unless you confront it. We cannot overcome our guilt unless we stand face to face with it. The only remedy for guilt is acknowledgement.

I understand how difficult it is to admit guilt. It is never easy admitting you were wrong or that you made a bad choice, but there comes a time when we have to admit we will never be perfect. Do not let your bad choices cripple or prevent you from moving forward in life. It’s okay to be wrong and make mistakes… as long as we learn from them. Remember, bad choices or bad decision do not make you a bad person… it just means you made a mistake and you are not perfect. Do not allow your guilt to define you. Do not allow mistakes of your past control your future. Give yourself permission to let go of your guilt and replace it with hope and determination. If you have been holding on to guilt, then I encourage you to let it go. There’s nothing wrong with forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is the only way to move forward in your life – so what are you waiting for?

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Complain or Not Complain?

Have you ever noticed how negative some people are? Some people always have something to complain about. They never have a wonderful day or they can never seem to find happiness in the little things. They hate their jobs or they complain when other people complain.

Have you ever noticed how negative you can be? I am asking an honest question and if you want to know if I ever noticed whether or not I have been negative… the answer is absolutely! I have complained about pretty much everything under the moon! There are two great things about my acknowledgment: One; I am being honest about it and Two; I have made the choice to change my urge to complain! I honestly never realized how much I complained until I asked myself the same question.

I truly believe in karma. I believe that what you put out into the world is what you get back. I came to understand we attract what we project and if all I am doing is complaining, all I am attracting is negativity. Seriously, if you think about it – how many of us would go out of our way to make friends with someone who we know always complains? What do we contribute to others by complaining? Don’t get me wrong, we all have things that deserve complaining… but if all we are doing is complaining about our lives or circumstances without putting any effort to solve them, then we need to take a look at ourselves.

I am not bringing this up to complain about the complainer… but I do want to offer hope to those who want to change the habit of complaining. The first step is recognizing when you complain. If you have Facebook, Twitter, any other social network or journal, go through your posts and see how often you complain. Make an effort to say something positive about your day or acknowledge a good deed you did for yourself or someone else.

Whenever a negative thought or word comes to mind, substitute it with a positive one. Don’t ever say that you can’t, it’s too hard, you won’t ever be happy, you will never have money or that you are meant to suffer. Instead, tell yourself that you can, nothing is too hard if you take the time to learn, you have the choice of being happy, you have the ability to make better decisions with your money and you are meant to live a meaningful life.

There is nothing wrong with complaining when you are proactive about it. Do not allow complaining to have that much power over your happiness. You deserve more than that. We all deserve more than that. You have the power to change your situation. Do not allow other people’s complaints weigh you down. Rise above it… remember it’s your choice!

What am I willing to pay?

Today I am asking myself what cost am I willing to pay for my life journey and discovering where my fate lies? What would it take for me to give up this journey and settle back into a life I know will never work? We are all faced with the choice of paying the price for something we truly desire, and today I realized I have yet to pay mine. Til this day, I have never been forced to make the choice between what I know in my heart to be right vs. what would be best for those around me.

It’s actually a scary proposition if you think about who and what is around you. It forces you to put people and things into a deeper perspective. What would I be willing to let go and where would I draw the line? I honestly do not know but the thought of it worries me. All I can hope for is that I will make the right decision when the time comes and have no regrets.

Laying Down Our Cards

In order to move up in our lives, we simply need to lay down our cards and expose where we are. In order to bring change or conquer situations/circumstances, we need to lay down our cards. In order for God to bless us or the universe to respond to our cries, we need to expose what is in our hearts and where we are at in our lives. If we are willing to lay everything out, then we are ready for change.

This blog has been difficult for me because I am laying out all my cards for the first time for everyone to see. I am that determined to make positive life changes that I am leaving myself no excuses for not succeeding. I have no where to hide and I am too stubborn to give up, so here I stand… in all my glory for everyone to see. As you can notice from my previous posts, I am not perfect. I have made many mistakes and have paid my price, only this time I am not hiding and I am not giving up. I have laid down my cards and have said a prayer. God has listened and the universe continues to respond accordingly.

Whatever is causing you to hold onto your cards, know that you will one day have to expose them. I am learning it is better to make the choice than being exposed when we least expect it.

Living Life in the Moment- My Story

Living life in the moment has allowed me to better understand who I am. When I say living life in the moment, I mean being emotionally, mentally and spiritually aware of the place you are at now without distractions. This entry is somewhat painful to write about because I hate admitting I have not always lived in the moment of my life. I still feel shame about some of the choices I made, but if I can use my experiences as a lesson for someone else, I am willing to sacrifice my shame.

When I was 24 years old, my life was a mess. I had absolutely no direction or plan for my future. A couple years prior to that, my life seemed like it was all put together. I had been working and going school. I had amazing friends who were making great choices for themselves, and I myself had plans to transfer to a nearby university. Things looked promising. My life was moving in a positive direction but it all came crashing down. I self destructed and gave up. The image I had of myself in my mind and the guilt I carried from being a teenage drug addict was what caused my downfall.

At 16 years old, I had to confess to my mom that I was a tweeker… a crystal meth user. Not only did I use crystal meth, but I also smoked, drank and used marijuana. The drugs became a problem for me and I got kicked out of high school. I was forced to attend continuation school due to falling behind. I was able to catch a huge break from all my trouble because my family and I moved. I simply used the move as a new start and made a choice not to hang around with people who used drugs or partied. No one knew where I came from or had any idea of my past, and I made a huge effort hiding who I was. I took advantage of the move by working my way out of continuation school and back into a regular high school, where I graduated. I thought my past was completely behind me.

Things started to slowly unravel during my time at community college. My life was going so well but I started feeling guilty when I began hearing about friends from my past getting pregnant, having continued drug problems and getting arrested. I began feeling like I did not deserve to be where I was at because I knew my life would have been so different had I not moved. The guilt caused me to smoke again… something I had not done since I was 16. The smoking led to drinking… then partying and going to nightclubs, which then led me back to smoking marijuana.

I was a mess. I started feeling helpless about where I was and somewhere my mind subconsciously gave up and checked out. I dropped out of school and lost control. Before I knew it, I was in the middle of a sea of bad choices with no idea of how to fix it. All I could do was wait until I fell on my face, and that is exactly what happened. The moment that changed everything was when I became pregnant (Yes, I know… I really know how to screw things up!). My life was in complete disarray and to be pregnant was almost unbelievable even to me. As stressed out  and difficult as it was, I knew I had to make the right decision, I decided to keep the baby and finally step up and hold myself accountable. As scared as I was of my dad, the father of my baby (who is now my husband) and I met with my him, apologized, and told him that we were willing to be responsible. My only concern at that time was my dad not killing me or the father of my baby.

I thought I was finally going to start the process of  taking back control, but what I could not control was my body. I suffered a miscarriage and lost my baby. It was such a painful experience I still become emotional over the memory. It took me another two years after my miscarriage to realize that I still had not dealt with my past or the loss of my baby. I threw myself into work and worked long hours to prevent me from thinking or feeling the pain of my past. I did not allow myself to meet new friends because I did not want to share any part of past. I was so fragile on the inside that I would literally get up and leave whenever someone asked a personal question.

It wasn’t until one morning I realized how pathetic I had become. I was sitting at my desk and happened to glance up. I looked at the pictures I had on my desk of my husband and I at our wedding. I never realized how far we had come because I was too busy avoiding the pain and mistakes of my past. It was only then that I realized I would have to keep running if I refused to stop and take life in completely. I realized that I had to learn to live my life in every moment…painful or not. That morning I made the choice of wanting to live my life for what it was. For the first time, I made the choice of not running away.

I also decided that I was not going to smoke or drink anymore when I felt stressed. I made the decision that I would not rely on sleep aids if I wasn’t able to sleep. I wasn’t going to take a nap when I felt sad… I was going to live in the moment and feel my emotions authentically. It’s been a rough ride but I have come a long way and I proud of myself because it was not easy. It’s been years since I’ve smoked or abused any substance as a way to forget or numb my pain. I no longer need anything to get me through the day. I am living every moment and feeling ever range of emotion we are intended to feel. I do not regret making the choice of living my life in the moment because we will never be able to make the pain or our pasts disappear unless we stand toe to toe with it. I no longer avoid the rearview mirror into my past because I’m too busy living my life here and now… and that is my story.